[I don’t have the emotional bandwidth right now to explain what happened, so if we aren’t FB friends already and you don’t know what I’m talking about, then just skip reading this post.]

When we go downstairs I have to put on a smile and play ambivalent and pretend like what happened to Guai Guai is no big deal. Just, oh, you know, old cat, obese, so things happen. James went downstairs earlier to talk to his parents. After they came home from dialysis, realized cat not home. James explained that cat stayed at hospital overnight, but it’s no big deal and they are just monitoring to be safe and that it’s just something that could have happened at any time, but just happened to have happened now, due to cat’s age and weight.

The hardest part is keeping it all in. Pretending everything is OK when others are around and then having only the freedom to sob silently upstairs.

The in-laws are very upset and feel terrible this happened. (Translation: everyone can’t believe we just spent in vet bills what we spent for our entire Europe vacation and the vet bills at this point aren’t over yet.) Since they already feel so bad, we have to overcompensate and offset by being cheery and assuring them that there is nothing wrong and “this could have happened at any point, and it just happened to have happened now, so please don’t feel bad.”

Sincerely, though, I only blame myself, and that just adds to my pain. It’s like if you entrusted brain surgery on your loved one’s head in the hands of a three year old toddler and then the surgery went awry and now your loved one is in critical condition. Who do you blame? The three year old toddler or, more likely, YOU. So it’s really my own fault. I know, I know from the bottom of my heart no one did anything intentional. It’s just that they’re forgetful, old, senile, not all with it, and more than anything else, not empathetic toward animals. They don’t truly understand the intensity of bonds a person and an animal can form. I blame myself because I knew that and I still left the cat in their hands. What I should have done was sought out other arrangements, but I didn’t do that.

We are currently waiting on a couple more medical procedures being performed on him this morning and then to bring him home at 11 am once he’s stable, keep on monitoring him, and just take this one baby medical step at a time going forward. There’s nothing else anyone can do at this point. Every other hour is a surprise. And I’m trying to get myself mentally and emotionally at a place where I can be better at my acting while downstairs and be convincing that really, this is no big deal, nobody’s fault, and it “just happened.” Malnourishment and dehydration “just happened.” And assure everyone that everyone did their best and we’re so grateful and we’re not blaming anyone and this is just one of those tough, bad situations where nobody is at fault.